OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
