question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
