Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My liver just had a heart attack.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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