shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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