There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
