wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
