You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
