I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize