Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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