I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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