How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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