I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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