ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
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Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.