i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
