i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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