Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
