That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
