Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
