3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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