I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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