is your mom at the bar?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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