so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
