just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
