my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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