I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
