WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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