is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
