Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
