I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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