Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
