You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
