So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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