I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
