If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize