Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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