First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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