Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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