Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
