I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
be right there i have to get my cape
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
