I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
