i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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