If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
