Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
