Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
