yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
