why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
