not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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