I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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