I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
