my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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