Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
