there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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